Take 3 - April 2012

Please forgive me for my grammer and bunch of typos that I will have every day. I type fast and sometimes I make errorr by accident and purposely and am just too lazy to go back and fix them. This is my disclaimer, nothing more and nothing less. So 2 years ago in 2010 I started this blog and so far this is my 3rd blog. I only wrote 1 blog in 2010 and a year later in 2011 I wrote another blog of how tired I was of being fat and I was going to lose weight and of course that never happend because here i am writing my 3rd blog and still fat weighing around the same. Today I weight myself was weighing in at 297.0 so not much has changed other than I have more gray hair, and more wrinkles with dark marks on my face. I'm 35, 5'2, 297lbs, married and haven't had sex with my husband since Feb. 2011, yes that is correct, since FEB 2011. It's both of our faults, really. not just his and not just mine. we're too lazy, too depressed and to turned off of each other to even try to have sex. what's new this year is that i watched fat sick and dying and that's my new thing this year. every year it's something new that I don't complete....pretty pathetic I know. i'm juicing now, did it before back in '03 or '04. lost 12lbs in 9 days and gained it all back and just never did it again. ended up trashing the jack lalane juicer. I'm back doing it again and wake up so determined, drive to work and arrive so determined and then i get weak and eat. This morning i've pigged out on 2 hawaiian chocolates, bunch of cheetos and a bunch of animal cookies, I finished the animal cookie bag that I opened yesterday. Now as I sit here typing, my heart is beating fast of all the sugar and I feel like crap. I really need will power to just say NO to junkfood that is in my drawer at work and around me. I know I should trash it, but I just bought it yesterday, not sure why. I t felt good at the moment, it felt like a good idea even though I knew I wanted to start the next day on my journey of weightloss. It's almost as if I intentionally sabatage myself. Last year I had my trip to asia to lose weight for and the dream of getting pregnant by november. this year i have the trip to russia and spain AND the dream of getting pregnant by november again. I'm juicing every day 3 stalks of celery, 2 cucumbers and 2 lemons. this is my juice meail through out the day with the cheating snacks in between. Hoepfully today i don't mess up anymore and stick to my juice. I plan on joining the gym soon and getting a trainer at LA FITNESS and go during my lunch breaks....we'll see how that goes. I feel so full now and guilty since I just pigged out on junk food, this is the story of my life.